Medical Alert! The dreaded TG

Years ago, while enjoying a lunch at Hack's Cafeteria in Bryant Square in Edmond, with my best friend (then and now)-- Phil Johnson, we discussed, as we often did when we enjoyed our frequent lunches together, subjects of profound importance. We have been best friends since about 1969, when we met at OCC. Phil and I know everything about each other, and this kind of close friendship allows people to say pretty much anything that is on ones' mind, without fear of condemnation or a feeling of vulnerability. We knew so much about each other, that we joked about being 'friends of necessity'. We each knew enough to hang the other if the friendship turned sour! Sort of like the U.S.A and Russia and the doctrine of 'mutually assured destruction'....you get the picture. Anyway, the freedom of discussion allowed for some really fun conversations. One day at Hack's Cafeteria, I confided in Phil. I told him of my research into what I called 'Audience Phenomena.'

I told Phil about something that I had observed in people during boring lectures during college and, while growing up, in small towns in Texas, where the preachers were not gifted like Mark Taylor, Kent Allen and Ronnie White and others with similar exceptional speaking skills. I had observed and made copious notes when observing people who were listening to boring, monotonous speakers. The speakers on the OCC campus were usually the worst, since they were often men or women who had achieved some success (usually associated with making money -- I thought that's why they were invited to speak on campus). Often they had poor communication skills, and it was the danger posed by the lack of speaking skills, combined with verbosity, that made me decide to publish my findings, in the hope that lives might be saved.

I observed and then categorized, by degrees or 'benchmarks' -- characteristics I often observed in audiences, that, when allowed to progress without interruption, posed grave consequences for innocent people in audiences everywhere. Here are my findings:

1. When the speakers began their prepared or sometimes unprepared comments, the audiences were usually a lively bunch. This is the 'normal human condition'...our baseline, or standard, if you will.

2. When the introductory remarks were concluded, and the speaker got down to 'brass tacks', and when the audiences saw that the speaker was not going to be a humorous speaker, the glances from left to right and over peoples' shoulders commenced immediately, followed by yawns and glances at wristwatches or the clocks on the walls.

3. Before long, when it became apparent that the speaker was going to give a real stemwinder of a talk, speech or lecture, and that escape from the auditorium was impossible, squirming would start, sometimes accompanied by head-scratching, sighs or looks of resignation. The phenomenon of 'foot jiggling' often was evident. Not the slow movement of feet one sees when people cross their legs and move their feet slowly, but the nervous, spastic movements ---the rapid, jerking of the feet that usually signals a near-frantic state of mind.

4. As the speaking continued and the perceived room temperature increased, one would often see the early stages of 'stupor' setting in among the 'audience captives'. Eyelids would begin to sag, sometimes followed by an involuntary forward nodding of the head or the equally involuntary backwards tilting of the victim's head. The forward slump of the head was usually stopped by the victim's chest, while the backwards tilting of the head was almost always stopped by the back of the seat. A high percentage of victims would slide down further into the seat, in a relaxed sprawl. Often, one would also see the lips part, as the progression of the stupor increased. This marks the condition identified medically known as 'THE GLAZE' (after our observations were published and verified by countless other redundant studies that followed my initial research).

5. The Glaze, once it has gained control of the victim, rapidly progresses to what is now known as the 'PTG'....the PRE-TERMINAL GLAZE. In this phase of the condition, the victim's mouth begins to gape open widely, and is often accompanied by drooling. The victim's eyes are now clouded over markedly, and it is not uncommon for the victim to jerk suddenly --- hands, legs and feet making random quick motions without apparent direction. In advanced stages of PTG, the victim may utter monosyllabic sounds, or make loud smacking noises. The marked relaxation of the victim, now semi-comatose, is often characterized by loud intestinal groans and gurglings, and these sometimes prompt more involuntary movement of arms, hands and legs as the unconscious victim seeks a more comfortable bodily posture. In this phase of the condition, the victim is almost beyond resuscitation, and, if the speech continues much longer, the audience members will often glance at the victim with understanding mixed with sorrow, for the vital, formerly exuberant person they once knew has slipped toward the brink of eternity-- the cusp of the great abyss -- by the monotonous, unrelenting auditory barrage of the clueless speaker.

5. Finally, we reach the stage of the condition we mention with great sadness, and more than a little fear ---the dreaded TG....known to doctors and scientists as the TERMINAL GLAZE. In the finality of this condition, all breathing stops, along with the drooling and the occasional fluttering movement of the eyelids. All vital signs have now ceased, and there appears a cyanotic bluish tinting of the lips and fingertips. The eyelids are now either closed, or, as in cases of extreme suffering during the PTG's, the eyelids are locked open---a hideous rictus smile denoting an end-point to the suffering of the victim.

It is my hope that with the publicizing of the symptoms of this devastating condition, that public speakers may eventually give more thought to their comments, use of humor, inflection, gestures, modulation of voice --- and other devices known to great speakers like Mark Taylor, Kent Allen and Ronnie White -- and spare untold numbers of captive audience members unnecessary suffering and a needless premature end to their existence here on earth.