Try Giving It The Old Shoemake 'Whomp'

There are demons lurking inside things we mistakenly call 'inanimate objects.' Inanimate indeed! They ACT inanimate and they LOOK inanimate, but it's all a pretense. There is a conspiracy among objects to do us in....to exhaust our patience, drain us of our meager financial resources...cause us to lose our tempers and self-control....and, yes, even to one day deprive us of our 'Eternal Reward.' Like Glenn Beck says: 'Here's how I got there'....

Time will not permit me to regurgitate all of the thousands of times I have been waylaid by 'inanimate objects.' As you read this, you will, without a doubt, instantly be transported to the recesses of your minds, where you will also recall battles you have had with inanimate objects, hereafter referred to as IO's.

Last week, I was working in my office with Susan, my little Korean secretary. (She says that she is only a file clerk, but we call her a secretary...it sounds neater and is more impressive...makes her look better and me too, since it sort of pumps up my sense of self-importance!). She was working on the laptop, scanning documents and I was on this desktop, doing 'boss' stuff (I hate that word, so I use it here in jest). The tower was making funny sounds. I tried all the civilized ways of getting it to stop making those irritating noises. I turned the unit off and on a few times. I unplugged an external mass storage device, and a handful of other things -- memory sticks, and two printers. Nothing. The irritating sounds continued. Finally, I told Susan to not be alarmed. I leaned over and smacked the side of the tower -- pretty hard, but not hard enough to cave in the side of the tower. The sound stopped. The computer kept running (whew!).

The tower had to be shown who was in charge! It will likely be months before it's petulance shows up again and it has to be put in its place once more.

Recently, one of the copier/printers in my office started acting up. I was a little surprised, since it knows it can be replaced! There are two other identical copier/printers in the office, and a larger Xerox laser printer for bigger jobs. The little printer got a little too big for its britches. Susan has been scanning documents for a half-year, turning my office into a 'paperless' office. We were just about finished with that particular project, when, out of nowhere, her printer began making sounds like a galloping horse, of all things! I know precisely where it picked up that idea --- it got the idea from listening to my little grandson, Greyson, running up and down the hall next to my office, with his stick horse and its realistic head of a horse and an electronic device that sounds like a big horse galloping down the old dusty trail. Greyson's 'horse' then stops and rares up (that's 'country' for REARS UP...and it also sounds a little nicer), and gives a huge double-whinny!....shades of the old Lone Ranger series!

THAT'S where the sound in the copier/printer came from! Copier/printers have no imagination. They are, after all, produced by a nation of people who can 'copy' things but are incapable of inventing anything new. So---- the copier/printer just listened and then began mimicking the horse-galloping sound, to our extreme displeasure! What a smart-alec IO!

Finally, having had enough of the 'attitude' of the copier/printer, I strode across the room and slapped the fire out of it. The irritating sound stopped immediately.
Susan didn't look at me with fear and trepidation...she's used to it by now.

The LAST of the recent electronic provocations was put into play by my AT&T cell phone. It is called 'The Ultimate'....a name that has given rise to many, many other names....The Ultimate Irritation!...The Ultimate Demon!...The...oh, well, you get the idea. It's the 'ULTIMATE', all right! It began giving me fits, dropping one call after another about two weeks ago. I called AT&T. They pleaded ignorant to any system problem, so, after hanging up, I turned my wrath on the phone. It dropped on more call...maybe the tenth call in thirty minutes. I held it up high and slammed it down on my desk...hard enough to get its attention, but not hard enough to break it. It worked! The dropped calls stopped! Like my Dad and John Wayne (one and the same person, in my view) used to say: 'Sometimes you have to talk to people in a language they understand!' I LIKED THAT SAYING! STILL DO! It also applies to IO's. Sometimes you have to 'talk to an IO in a language IT understands!' (WHOMP!!).

I share these stories with you, not to demonstrate the unlimited nature of my insanity and wrath, but to show you that you can get the upper hand with YOUR own
so-called IO's. I invite you to start your own list: Start with the easy ones: 'buttered bread that always falls buttered side down, right on your carpet', or, 'three squares of toilet tissue makes your toilet overflow', to 'locking your keys in your car'....or, my personal favorite: 'the cell phone that goes off during a prayer or at a funeral.' These are the common ones: these particular inanimate objects are like realtors and union bosses. They are ORGANIZED -- and they'll get you every time! They've got their business down to a science...and everything is controlled...and you are at their mercy. If you are like I am, and I suspect that you are, you can think of thousands of these instances, when seemingly 'inanimate objects' did you in, and made your life, for a little while, absolutely miserable!

I want you to try taking hold of your destinies! Fight back! Don't be tempted any longer to defuse your anger and frustration, and chide yourself for being put out by what's happened. Get even! You will see that objects that surround you become much more orderly, less irritating, and less hostile! You can show them who is boss! You will find that YOU, TOO CAN BE THE MASTER OF YOUR HOME AND OFFICE. YOU CAN BE RESPECTED BY THE THINGS THAT LIVE IN YOUR ENVIRONMENT. Give it a try--- when the IO's get out of line, whip them into shape....GIVE THEM THE OLD 'SHOEMAKE WHOMP!'