Crotch-Sniffin' Dogs! ---LOOKOUT!

Okay, I'm getting even now! For years, as I have been welcomed into the homes of people who were inquiring about getting a new roof, I have been also welcomed by their 150 lb. dogs, who also welcomed me, as I tried to squeeze past Henrietta Homemaker and 'Bruiser'. Henrietta (my generic name for all the sweet little homemakers out there in the wide, wide world, who are left with the decision-making regarding roofing matters) holds the door open for me as I wipe my feet on her doormat and then try to step across the threshold to enter her home. As I'm trying to pass by Henrietta, her Doberman, Collie, St. Bernard, or other half-horse dog, is always trying to bury his/her 10" long snout into the crotch of my jeans, from the front, or, even more unnervingly, from the rear... often unexpectedly!

It's an awkward moment, as I'm greeting Henrietta, while trying to get past her without brushing up against her clothing or her assets, while simultaneously avoiding her proctologist/genitalia-ologist canine pervert posing as a harmless cute little dog.

Homeowners rarely stop this kind of behavior, and, I suspect, they find it amusing, since their dog/s long ago became bored with the sniffing of THEIR britches!

In the past, when I've gotten a heads-up about the dogs in one of the 'Henrietta' households I've planned on entering, I have gone to great lengths to short-circuit the dog's unwanted attention by spraying hair spray on the seat of my jeans and sprinkling cayenne pepper on the wet hair spray, thinking that even if a little of the pepper remained long enough for me to get inside Henrietta's home, the devil-dogs would leave me alone. The results were mixed. I won't elaborate on this part of the story. Nor will I elaborate on the results from my having tried --- years ago, to thwart Fido's crotch fascination with a dash of liquid cinnamon oil. As you might suspect, the cinnamon oil penetrated my clothing and lit me up like a Christmas tree when the oil reached my....'delicate parts.' I ended up doing the 'Cinnamon Shuffle', while driving home, hair on fire, as they say (and pants on fire as well), ripping my clothes off and showering with lots and lots of soap, for a very, very long time, trying to get the cinnamon oil off of my skin.

Last week, Jeff and I were in the Mulholland Addition in N. Edmond, meeting an out-of-state insurance adjuster, on behalf of some nice homeowners, who wanted us to meet with the adjuster in the hope that they could achieve equity on their storm damage claim. As we followed the adjuster toward the gate, leading into the backyard of this huge home, the adjuster, seeing two large dogs on the other side of the fence, opened the gate and just walked into the backyard. Jeff and I did NOT follow immediately. We both waited to see if the dogs would devour the adjuster, who paid them no mind. The dogs did not attack him. I was puzzled. Unless this adjuster was the 'Dog Whisperer' -- in person-- I could not imagine why he would have entered the backyard without so much as an attempt to size up the dogs, to try to test their demeanor before striding into the backyard like Daniel, strolling into the lion's den! I then followed the adjuster through the gate, followed by Jeff. I asked the adjuster: "How did you know the dogs wouldn't attack you?" He said, in an off-hand way: "Oh, I had my hand on my 'Dazer', and if they have started toward me, I would have just touched it lightly with one finger of my left hand."

A 'Dazer', we wondered? What is a 'Dazer?' I asked the adjuster what he was talking about. He showed us a device, on his left side, on his belt. It looked like a long, thin garage door opener. He said: "Watch this." He touched the button lightly -- just once. At once, the dogs lowered their ears and their tails, and took off for the far side of the yard. They didn't approached us again during the time we walked all over the backyard.

Needless to say, I immediately bought three of the Dazers. After a wait of about a week, they arrived the other day. I gave one to Jeff, and one to Paula. I kept one for myself. Jeff and I will use them to prevent our becoming 'Kibbles & Bits', or 'Bacon, Bacon, BACON!' for the next Cujo we encounter. I have decided to buy one for each of my salesmen, so that they, too, can walk without fear, through the backyards of Edmond and OKC. We'll be fearless, and homeowners all across the land will admire our courage! (You reckon?).

In the future, when my neighbors allow their 'Yipper' to sit on the other side of our back fence for hours, angrily yipping at us, destroying any quiet time we had hoped to enjoy in our own back yard, planting flowers, we will employ our 'Dazer' and send him/her packing. The device has a range of about 50 feet, and is very effective. When employed, dogs not only run away, but they shut their traps as well!

(Yes, Virginia, there IS a Santa Claus!).

I will wear this discreet little device on MY left hip, and will feel empowered, almost like I am carrying a concealed weapon. I may go out of my way to seek out encounters with fearsome beasts of prey. The device won't hurt animals, but it WILL deter bad manners. I will henceforth feel like a 'Backyard John Wayne'...fearless, brave, rugged, determined! Yes, with the Dazer, my life will change!

As for homeowners who allow such behavior when guests enter their homes, I have daydreamed about another daydream possibility: Carrying a tiny syringe of diluted bacon drippings with me, and as I follow 'Henrietta' to her dining room table, I covertly spray a tiny amount of the diluted bacon drippings on the back of HER jeans, and then, as I'm sitting at the dining room table, talking about roofing matters, I watch her twist and squirm as her dog tries to give HER a procto-exam!

I wonder how funny that would be to her? If my ownership of the Dazer keeps shoring up my courage, I may do it! At any rate, in the future, whenever I need to visit, unmolested, with a homeowner, it's nice to know that all it will take, to get some quiet time with the homeowner, is a subtle touch of the old Dazer. The dogs will disappear, as if shot out of a cannon, and I'll be able to get down to business!

Captain Kirk has his Phaser...the police have their Tasers....and now the Shoemake's have their Dazers! Life is sweet! Bring on your bulldogs -- I'm ready!